‘I thrashed her every day until I realised the meaning of her ‘no’’

The horrific event like the rape and murder of a 31-year-old trainee doctor in Kolkata raises the question: can India ever be a safe place for women? While the answer rests with men, experts say a major factor is teaching them to take ‘no’ for an answer.Whether it’s a rejection of intimacy, fear of societal norms, or long-held beliefs about how women should be treated in a relationship, many men struggle to deal with women’s autonomy.Experts who have dealt with male abusers say a lot of it has to do with how we bring up our men and what we teach them about the freedoms a woman has. They say the only way to ensure the safety of women is to address men’s desire for dominance and aggression.TOI+ spoke with three men who struggled with their personal relationships due to misconceived notions on how to treat women. They talked about how they learned from their mistakes and, in some cases, even managed to save their relationships. medium112707699He attacked his girlfriend when she got scared about her pregnancy“When my girlfriend found out she was pregnant, we were both scared,” shares Nilesh, now in his mid-30s. “My first reaction was to convince her to keep it a secret, while I assured her I would take care of everything.”However, Nilesh says he didn’t do anything.“At the time, I was 25 and I did not know that there was a legal timeframe for abortion. I was under a lot of stress and pressure,” he adds. Things came to a head when his girlfriend confided in a friend and sought help.“That’s when I lost control and slapped her,” he shares. “I was also prepared to take any extreme step possible to stop her from sharing the information.”Nilesh says that in a fit of madness he began to search the internet for ways in which he could harm her. “I even took her to a deserted place and kicked her in the pelvis region,” he says, hoping it would terminate her pregnancy. “I also threatened to publish her private photos on social media and send them to her relatives if she talked to her friend again.”Fortunately, her friend did not relent and convinced him to approach an NGO that helps young couples navigate unwanted pregnancies. “We reluctantly agreed to meet with the counsellors,” he says.“I told them that I was only 25 and not ready to have a child,” he adds. “I also told them how ignorant I was about how babies are born and got to learn about women’s reproductive organs. In fact, all my understanding of relationships came from Bollywood films.”During these sessions, Nilesh realised why he acted out of rage and not reason when dealing with his girlfriend.“Respect and consent were two words that stayed with me,” he says. “The counselling also allowed me to confront and address my inner demons. It made me realise that I didn’t have to control the other person with violence and anger to have my way. Her ‘no’ had to be listened to and respected.”The NGO helped Nilesh and his girlfriend in aborting the foetus. medium112707725He thought hitting his wife was a way of controlling her and, thus, protecting herVilas says when he just got married, at 29, he would regularly hit his wife (25). He says it was a way for him to control her.“At the time, I had no understanding of how relationships worked,” says Vilas, who is now in his 40s. “Using violence came naturally to me. Even my friends thought that it was okay to routinely hit one’s wife to keep her in check.”Vilas says his attitude towards women was formed at an early age. “While growing up, it was instilled in me that women are incapable of making decisions and are not worth respecting.”His idea of masculinity came from his father, from whom he learnt that a wife’s sole duty is to support her husband. To not speak her mind. Her only duty is to serve him and help him raise a family.His wife, obviously, did not endorse his views. “She did not follow all my instructions,” he says. “From what to eat to what to wear and when to have their first child — she had an opinion on everything. I would get angry and resist every ‘no’ of hers.”Things came to a head for him when she expressed a desire to work part-time. “I was completely against it,” he says. “I may have been prejudiced but my like-minded friends and family were also in support of my views.”When their ties became strained, a friend referred the couple to marriage counselling. At first, in his sessions, Vilas would defend his violent behaviour, saying that was the only way he could enforce his way with his wife, as a means to protect her.“It took me a year of therapy to realise how dominating I was,” he says. “The good part is that my wife didn’t give up on me. When I look back, I realise how challenging it was for her.”Vilas also realised the social pressure she was under to not break their marriage. “Her parents had told her that in marriage some kind of violence is normal and it can’t be a reason for a divorce or complaint,” he adds. “She had no option but to improve our relationship. I now feel ashamed of my past. I feel sorry about how I thought it was okay to hurt her.” medium112707757His fiancée wasn’t ready for sex, so he would attack herAbhishek and his ex-fiancée hailed from the same town in Maharashtra. After they were engaged, he (27 at the time) was keen to consummate their relationship, but she (25 at the time) was not, and asked him to wait.“I started thinking that she did not trust me. I could not understand why she did not want to have sex with me,” says the 33-year-old. “I even started pampering her with gifts, but to no avail. A few months on, I was extremely frustrated and also convinced that she was cheating on me.”In one meeting, Abhishek tried to get physical with her only to be met with rejection. This time he got angry. “Two forks were lying on the table, I picked one up and pressed it against her,” he says. After that, he says he began to find ways of hurting her in public places where she could not make a scene. “In violence I also found a way of forcing her into submission without wasting time in trying to convince her.”This went on for around three months. “Around the time I had finalised a plan of booking a hotel to sleep with her, but to my surprise, she gathered enough courage to tell everyone about what was going on,” he says.While his family was not perturbed by her accusations, even suggesting to her that she should comply if her ‘husband’ so wishes, she filed a written complaint with a local police station.“I was detained but to my luck an FIR was not filed,” he says. “Because of the legal action, a group working on criminal justice came in contact with me. They took my contact details. Although I reluctantly agreed to meet them, it slowly opened a new chapter in my life.”The one thing that made him realise why his actions were wrong was when a counsellor asked him to think of how he would have reacted if the same thing had happened to his sister. This made him think long and hard about everything.“In four months, I understood that my approach was wrong,” he says. “I should have not even touched her without her consent. I also realised that at the time I was so obsessed with having sex — and bragging to my friends about it — that I completely lost perspective on the impact my violent behaviour was having on her.”Even though the police had warned him of never establishing contact with his ex-fiancée again, it took Abhishek two years to muster up the courage to apologise to her for his actions. “I feel sorry that my actions have given her lifetime trauma,” he adds. “I also feel the loss of losing a compatible partner.” medium112707778What makes men think it’s okay to attack women?“Impunity is one of the main reasons men take extreme steps,” says Harish Sadani, secretary and chief functionary of Men Against Violence and Abuse (MAVA). “Today we have reached a point where men are not afraid to push the extent of their abuse as they know there is no certainty that they will be held accountable for it.”For the past three decades, Sadani has been educating young men across India about healthy relationships, masculinity and sexuality-related matters.“Patriarchy and masculinity are major societal issues we face,” he says. “On top of that, we have raised children who have never experienced any kind of rejection. We must understand that parents need to allow their children, especially boys, to experience rejection and teach them how to process and deal with it. Without experiencing this emotion, as they grow up, they may feel entitled to everything they wish for, going to any extent to get it. Lack of gender sensitivity further exacerbates this situation.”According to him, boys in India are raised with special privileges compared to girls or women. “In a male-dominated society, they often do not see the importance of consent in relationships, whether sexual or otherwise,” he says. “Our society only celebrates winners, it somehow gives no respect to empathetic behaviour, emotional growth and emotional intelligence.” medium112707794What can we do to address the issue?According to Urmila Salunkhe, who leads the youth fellowship and activities at Akshara — an NGO based in Mumbai, which focuses on gender equality — addressing the issues of dominance and aggression among men can help make India a safer place for women.“In India, we have a unique situation where many restrictions are placed on young girls regarding how they should dress or behave, while young men are weighed down by numerous expectations. This disparity creates a situation where, although the two may fall in love, women find themselves unable to assert their preferences in relationships,” she says.“Issues such as deciding whether to have a physical relationship, setting boundaries, engaging in public displays of affection, going on vacations together, choosing what to wear, maintaining friendships with other males, preventing unwanted surveillance, and having space to withdraw from the relationship, can seem minor to those in an equitable environment. However, for many young women, these are significant issues where they are judged and unable to follow their own desires. Men, feeling frustrated and entitled, may respond with violent behaviour against these young women,” she says.Dr Sagar Mundada, a psychiatrist who works with young patients, advocates open conversations between parents and children. He acknowledges that patriarchal behaviour is a societal and generational issue but stresses the need to work towards solutions that help men understand that accepting “no” is perfectly acceptable and should not be taken as an offence.MAVA’s Sadani too points out that enforcing laws and their punishment can eliminate the sense of impunity, helping men recognise the mental and emotional impact of their actions on both the victim and their families.“We need to understand that gender-based violence is a societal issue,” he says. “While stringent laws can support speedy justice, to stop these types of crimes, we need to work on other issues. Like how boys and girls are raised to address stereotypes about gender, which are inculcated since childhood.”“For instance, social taboos must not be encouraged, such as laying the blame on a girl or woman for being raped. Financial needs, legal battles, court matters and regaining control of life with dignity post-trauma are all important things in rehabilitation which we as a society forget after raising our voice about one or two incidents,” Sadani says.Images: Sajeev Kumarapuram/AI