"My mother and father both hate each other; I miss having a normal life"

Query: My mother and father both hate each other. They are their worst self when they are together. I miss having a normal life but I guess I will never have one.. Summer breaks are the worst reminder of my dysfunctional family. I hate being a part of this family.
Response by Dr Chandni Tugnait: Hi, thank you for writing to us. I completely understand how disappointing this situation may be for you.
While it's understandable to feel this way, it might be helpful to try to understand your parents’ perspective as well.What might be some reasons why they act the way they do around each other? Once you have a better understanding of their perspective, you might be able to find some compassion for them, or better still, help them.
Why do you think your parents hate each other? Could it be that they simply don't know how to communicate effectively? It's possible that they are both unhappy with the situation but don't know how to fix things.
It is important to communicate your feelings to your parents authentically. Do not bottle them up and also don’t lose your temper when you talk to them. It’s important to process your emotions before interaction so that you connect and respond (and not react). Let your emotions be your expression and not your identity.
It is absolutely natural for you to yearn for their presence. Have you tried talking to them about how you miss bonding with them? Have you expressed your desire to connect emotionally, as a family? Have you voiced the trauma and neglect you experience because of their behaviour? Have you ever shared your feelings with them? Have you informed them how your their behaviour impacts you?
Allow them to take ownership for their actions and get it out of your system, from a space of compassion and not anger. I am sure they want the best for you and would be happy to take some corrective measures to make their relationship better.
Even though your family situation is far from ideal, try to focus on the positive aspects of your life. There are probably many things that you're grateful for, even if it doesn't seem like it at times. By taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, you might be able to find some peace in your current situation.
Apart from having an authentic communication with your parents, wherein you tell them how you miss being together as one unit, you can also plan some activities and include your parents in some family time. Their choices in their relationship are independent of their love for you. In all probability, it is their love for you that is keeping their marriage alive. Appreciate their efforts and ask them for their time and love; create the happy moments - show them how.
Try not to feel guilty about feeling angry or frustrated with your situation; you are allowed to feel whatever you want but don’t let the situation pull you down or define you. Whenever you feel overwhelmed by thoughts, write down your feelings in a journal in order to process them better. Build your relationship with your parents individually and then gradually bring the family together through outings and activities that can be shared by all. Approach the situation with compassion and gratitude. Focus on resolution and not pain.
You can still maintain healthy boundaries with them and allow yourself a life of love and gratitude instead of hurt and resentment.
Lastly, I would recommend that if you are unable to process the thoughts, emotions, hurt and the confusion around the situation, do consider seeking therapy. Don’t shy away from asking for help. I hope this helps!
For further queries, feel free to book an appointment with us.
Stay Blessed!
Dr. Chandni Tugnait is M.D. (Alternative Medicines), Psychotherapist, Life Coach, Business Coach, NLP Expert, Healer, Founder & Director - Gateway of Healing, with centres in Gurgaon and Faridabad.